It Could Be Nothing. Or It Could Be Cancer. But It Could Be Nothing, Too.

I need to go to the Doctor.

I was diagnosed with thyroid troubles back in, oh, the early 90s. Basically I was told, “Hey, your thyroid is a little slow, and you’ll probably have to get on medication for the rest of your life at some point, but we’ll just wait and see, mmkay?” So I waited.

I got settled at FSU and started my first semester of Graduate School. The apartment complex I chose had originally set aside a nice second story apartment for me, but on moving day it wasn’t painted or some stupid thing like that. So they gave me a third story apartment. These were older buildings because I was a struggling Graduate Student with no money for the nice campus apartments and took what I could get so there was no elevator. Just three flights of stairs that doubled back on themselves, so really it was like six flights of stairs. My Grampa and his brother, God bless them, hoisted my heavy ass oak bedroom set up those six flights, on an August summer day, with no AC because I told the power company to turn the lights on in the second floor apartment and it was a Saturday so I couldn’t call and tell them the apartment complex made me move!

Anyway. There’s a point…I swear…

I settled into my Grad School routine, climbing those six flights of stairs at the end of every day, and collapsing on the floor. Literally. I’d climb up to my apartment, shut the door behind me, and fall on the floor, where I’d sleep for a few hours. I thought it was the rigors of Grad school taking their toll. Or the heat and humidity of summer in FL, combined with the insane stair climbing. But no.

It was my thyroid. Knock knock knocking, letting me know it was done and out.

By the time I saw my first endocrinologist, she couldn’t believe I had walked in her office on my own two feet. Apparently, based on my bloodwork, I should have been like, bedridden or something. Unable to walk five feet on my own. My thyroid had completely shut down and was taking my body with it.
After months of gradual medication increases I was stable and back to normal, although it had been so long since I’d known normal I’m not sure I really noticed. Over the last ten years I’ve had my bloodwork done at least once a year, and every once in awhile have needed a little adjustment of my meds (mostly when I’m pregnant). It’s really been the easiest chronic medical condition to manage.

The last week or so, though, I’ve noticed shooting pains in my throat, where my thyroid is. I’ve noticed a thickness…almost a heaviness there. I finally decided last night that I should really go see an endocrinologist again. But I’m terrified. As I sat on the couch last night pondering this decision, thoughts of cancer floated through my mind. Thoughts of scary surgery, leaving a scar across my neck like someone tried to decapitate me. Thoughts of getting really sick and weak and not being able to care for my kids. Then I got scared, because what if I really did get sick like that, and needed chemo or something? Who would watch my babies? Wayne can’t take that much time off work! Who would keep my babies? And then I just shut down. I don’t want to deal with this.

It could be nothing. It could be that I just need a medication adjustment. Or it could be throat cancer (which occurred to me this morning). I really don’t want to know right now. I just want to stay in denial.

But I’ll make the call. Tomorrow.

What's Going On Around Here; 02/06/10

So much is going on, my head is starting to spin!!!! Here's some things I don't want you to miss out on....

My second post is up on the Graco Corporate Blog. I'm talking about Aiden's adjustment to becoming a big brother, and I hope you'll check it out!

I'm giving away a Philips goLite Blu ($200 retail value), an indoor light energy source to help treat the winter blues. I know many of you are buried under snow this weekend, so this is a pretty timely giveaway.

Still waiting on my brand spankin' new Frigidaire dishwasher to arrive. I can.not.wait!

I'm plugging away at KettleWorx. I've been sick this week, so I'm off-schedule by a day or two. I have one more day of week five, then my FINAL WEEK! I'm really loving the results I'm having thus far; it's definitely kicked me into gear.

There's so many things I'm working on right now.....a BIG partnership/blogging project, a new regular writing gig...lots of great things are happening and I hope you'll stay tuned!!

I Can't Help It, I'm Just A Girl

I write a lot about helping others, and being altruistic and sacrificing for the betterment of all. That’s really how I am, 95% of the time. But I am only human. And I do get distracted by the shiny baubles of modern life just like anyone else. So when recently asked what I would do if someone handed me a hundred dollar bill next month, I was a little torn. There are so many people and causes out there I feel passionate about. But, right now, at this moment, I feel a little selfish. Our weather is warming up and it’s almost time to break out the flip flops, and…well…look at this:

I know! It’s so embarrassing. I can’t believe I’m sharing that with you, but I couldn’t think of another way to adequately convey how badly I need a pedicure.

I’ve always known I have ugly feet. Growing up in Florida, and throughout Grad School, I refused to wear flip flops because of my hideous feet. But one day a coworker at my first grown up job told me I should get a pedicure. I’d never had one, but she raved about them..and…well…she had awfully pretty toes. So, I went. And it wasn’t half bad! I splurged and got little itsy bitsy flowers painted on my big toes and something magical happened. I started wearing flip flops and sandals. I started showing off my feet, with no shame!

As the years passed pedicures became a regular part of my routine (as did keeping a stockpile of I’m Not Really A Waitress by OPI). Every other week or so I’d get my toes did all pretty…sometimes with a painted flower, sometimes with a little bling bling rhinestone design. Glancing at my pretty toes never failed to bring a smile to my face. It didn’t matter what the rest of me looked like, my toes were always beautiful.

But things changed when I became a SAHM. The money got tighter and my beloved pedicures fell to the wayside. I tried to keep up the routine at home, but no matter what those magazines tell you, an at-home pedicure will NEVER come close to one from the salon. Eventually I stopped bothering, because my at-home pedicures didn’t make me feel beautiful. They made me feel silly.

So, forgive me when I tell you that if someone handed me a hundred dollar bill next month, I’d splurge on myself. I’d head straight to a salon and get my toes did all pretty again, and I’d get an itty bitty flower painted on, and I’d have a blissed out smile on my face the entire time. I might even get my brows waxed….but you are not seeing a before picture of those!

Keeping it real: Kodak and JuiceBoxJungle sponsored me to write this fun post, about what I'd do with a surprise extra $100 if someone handed it to me next month.

The Big V

The other day I received a text from my husband that read, "nuts cut next thurs".

He has a way with words, doesn't he? Such a smooth talker, that one. Very eloquent.

So in one week my husband is going to step up and be a man, and allow sharp objects near his nether regions. He's a little freaked out, but I told him I have zero empathy. I reminded him of all the sharp objects that have gone into my body in order to bring his two children into this world; blood draws, IVs, amnio, spinals, and oh...let's not forget having my mid-section opened up for the world to see! Sorry, dude. Seek solace elsewhere.

In all honesty, I struggled with this decision more than he did. He's eight years younger than me (Rawr), and I worry about what the future could hold. What if something happens to me? What if I die and ten years from now he finds someone else and wants more babies?

But then I have to tell myself that I can't make decisions based on the possibility that I may freaking DIE. Plus, I already told him that if I die he's not allowed to find someone else. I'll haunt him if he does. And I think he thinks I'm just crazy enough that he believes me.

Anyway, if we want to remain happily married, the nuts must be cut. I've told you before about my insane fertility. Nothing seems to be strong enough for my overzealous ovaries, and it makes me a bit terrified. I'm on a super duper high dose pill right now, but #1 I got pregnant with Aiden on the pill and #2 I've spent half my life on the pill and #3 I have all the signs that my body is still ovulating. Obviously my destiny is to be a Duggar but I ain't having it. So nuts, prepare yourselves.

Has your husband been de-fertilized (snort)? Tell me what I'm in for. Is he going to lay on the couch and moan with a bag of frozen peas on his crotch all weekend? I imagine this will be worse than any man cold ever could be…

Gaining Perspective From Extreme Makeover Home Edition

The other night we were flipping channels and came upon Extreme Makeover Home Edition. It’s not a show we usually watch, but for some reason we stopped to check it out. It was the episode with the Ward Family..did you see it? Miss Clara is a living, breathing saint. If a non-Nun could be the next Mother Theresa, Miss Clara would win the prize.

Miss Clara has made it her life’s mission to help her community. She cares for the children in her struggling neighborhood on a daily basis. Not only does she babysit, running a pseudo-child care center out of her home, but she also collects donations and gives to anyone in need of anything. She often cooks for 300-400 mouths at a time. She does whatever needs to be done, all from her wheelchair, in her house. A house that wasn’t wheel chair friendly, mind you. She spoke about falling when she’d lift herself into her bathtub. She spoke about not being able to access certain parts of her home. Caring for her is her adult son, who is legally blind. The family struggles enough on their own, but they give all they have to the children and families in their community.

Miss Clara got a new house, completely accessible to her and her son. She even got an entire area devoted to the children, featuring tables and toys and a separate kitchen. It was fabulous!! But what made this episode stand out so much in my mind was what the show did for some of the neighborhood children. One sibling group featured four girls, ranging in age from eleven to four. They shared one room, and one bed. Another group was four boys, who took turns sharing a bed and couch. And then there was Angel. This adorable little girl cried as she spoke with the show’s staff, telling them how she can’t sleep at night because she’s afraid of her neighborhood. She hears gun shots and fights; she’s been beaten up at school; her windows won’t secure and she’s fearful of someone kidnapping her. The camera panned around to her shabby surroundings; the lamp with a tattered lamp shade, the piles of clothing and toys, because there was no furniture to store anything.

My heart ached.

My mind went back to the years I spent investigating child abuse in San Diego. The children just like these kids that I worked with. The struggling families, the poverty, the gang violence, the drug infested neighborhoods. The children afraid to go to sleep at night, and the parents struggling just to put food on the table. Bad stuff, man. Bad stuff.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition did mini-makeovers on these kid’s rooms. They painted and bought new beds (or bunk beds). They added accent pillows and cute curtains. It wasn’t much, but it was the world to those kids. From my experience, when kids grow up in poverty and fear, they internalize that and it affects their self-esteem. They see their shabby bedroom and don’t realize it’s due to a lack of money. They think they don’t deserve nice things. It’s a cycle that perpetuates and gets bigger as the kids grow up, always keeping them down. But these kids? That fresh coat of paint provided more than a cute room to show off to their friends. It provided a place they can feel safe in. It provided a place they can feel proud of. It proved to them that somebody, somewhere thinks they DO DESERVE nice things. It gave them a much-needed boost that I would wager will stick with them for many years to come.

I complain about our small house. I complain that we only have one car. I complain that I don’t have a Smart Phone or an iPod Touch or whatever latest and greatest gadget everyone is tweeting about. I want to stop that. Why should I spend hundreds of dollars on some new techno babble gadget doohickey, when children are sitting in bare bedrooms with tattered lamp shades, worried about being kidnapped because their window doesn’t lock? Instead of spending hundreds of dollars on Apple’s newest creation, how about I just make do with what I have and find an organization to give that money to instead? There’s so much wasteful spending in our country, when so many could truly benefit from an investment in their future.

If you’d like to help Miss Clara in her mission to serve the children of her Erie PA neighborhood, you can donate via her blog. I urge you to seek out other organizations and agencies in your area. Invest in children, and upgrade your cell phone another year. I promise the warm fuzzies will last much longer.

KettleWorx; Half Way There

I’ve been at this weight loss thing for three whole weeks. And naturally, because Nature hates me, I had some *ahem* womanly issues the second week. I actually handled it pretty well, but dealing with raging hormones with only one week of healthy eating under my belt was not the easiest thing. Thankfully I only ate a few too many 100-calorie treats that week, instead of an entire pan of brownies or something. Not that I ever did that. No way, not me.

Because of the 100-calorie treat feast, I decided not to purchase those anymore. No sense having things around that tempt me, right? 100-calories may be a decent snack, IF you can stop at one. But when you eat the whole box, you really ought to have just had the real deal and called it a binge.

Anyway…..

I stuck with my KettleWorx routine, doing the DVDs three days per week. I’m not going to lie to you; I don’t find them fun at all. But I’m not a fan of exercise in the first place. Regardless, I sucked it up and got through my twenty-minutes three times a week because It IS working. I’ve noticed certain parts of my body are shrinking (noticeably my bust and lower abdomen…goodbye C-section apron!). I was hoping to have some impressive numbers to share with you but that didn’t happen. My scale is ancient and falling apart, and showed no change in my weight at all. That didn’t really bother me, because I don’t trust that scale, and I also know that weight can fluctuate so it’s not the best indicator of loss.

I was hoping I’d see a big change in my measurements. Unfortunately, my arms and thighs got BIGGER. I lost an inch and a half from my waist, but that’s about it. When I took my measurements and saw the lackluster results I was very disappointed. I can feel such a change in my body, and I was really hoping to see some numbers to back that up. I’m reminding myself that numbers don’t matter. I feel better, I move better, my clothes aren’t as tight. These are the measurements that I need to stay focused on.

I have three more weeks of the KettleWorx Program. Three more weeks of hoisting that Kettle Bell and doing more squats than should even be legal. But I’ll keep at it. The numbers may not be on my side, but I know I’m shrinking. I know I move easier and have less pain. I know I feel better. The numbers will catch up eventually.

How are you doing on your fitness goals?

Keeping it real: I was provided with the KettleWorx Program in order to write this review.

Seventeen Years Ago Today...

Seventeen years ago today, I was screaming my head off in a hospital room, enduring the biggest thing my fifteen-year-old self could ever imagine. Seventeen years ago today I made the transition from being someone’s baby to having a baby of my own. Seventeen years ago today my Caitlyn lay in my arms for the first time and we began our journey together.

I thought I had it all figured out. Though only fifteen, I read every pregnancy and parenting book I could get my hands on. I subscribed to every parenting magazine, poured over the handouts I received from the doctor’s office and attended Lamaze. But as any mom will tell you, you can’t learn to be a parent by reading a book. And at fifteen, although well read on the subject, I was not ready to be a mom.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the last seventeen years. I haven’t always been the mother my daughter needed me to be. I’ve missed a lot of things that I shouldn’t have; time I’ll never get back. Yet somehow Caitlyn and I have muddled through together.

Today my baby girl stands on the brink of adulthood. It’s a sobering thought for me. One more year. One more year and we’ll be potentially facing some huge life-altering decisions. I stand back and look at her and am so proud of the woman she’s fast becoming. Somehow she blossomed into this amazing person, in spite of my mistakes, in spite of my inadequacies. Somehow we got through and grew up together and we made it.

Happy Birthday, my firstest baby.

A Tale Of Two Frigidaire Dishwashers

Our house is quite old. Fifty-some-odd-years old. Living in a house this old forces you to rethink things...like closet space. We've done fairly well in most regards, but the kitchen has been a thorn in my side since the day we moved in. There is exactly one small counter to work on, no pantry to speak of, and only one drawer. My kitchen also serves as the dining area and laundry room, so it's a very cramped multi-purpose space. When we moved in there was no dishwasher. There had never been a dishwasher in this house. There wasn't even room for a dishwasher. Since I'm an avid baker and am constantly dirtying every pot, pan, and bowl in the house on a daily basis, I did a lot of hand washing. To dry the dishes I'd have to lay towels along every flat surface of the kitchen. It was a massive undertaking every single day, and I had to ensure things were dry and put away in time for the next meal, because the dishes covered my working space and my stove.

I grumbled a lot, but I muddled through. A dishwasher just wasn't on top on our budget list. Then one day a friend listed her dishwasher for sale on a bulletin board for $50. I know, I know...who wants a used dishwasher?! But I knew her and her family and knew they were clean people....so I told my husband, "we are buying that dishwasher, whether you like it or not". So naturally, we did.

Our $50 Frigidaire dishwasher does the job. Most of the time. It gets cranky if you leave too much food on the plates. And the drying function isn't even worth the electricity to run it so we don't bother with that feature. It's loud. And it takes almost two hours to run a load. But, it's better than what I was working with before. We've discussed getting a new dishwasher, but again, it's just not at the top of our budget.

A month or so ago I received an e-mail that literally made my jaw drop. The news was so shocking, so amazing, I ran in and woke my husband up to tell him. He didn't believe me! I must have read that e-mail ten times just to make sure I understood correctly, as tears ran down my cheeks. Because you know what it said?

I'M GETTING A NEW FRIGIDAIRE DISHWASHER!

I still can't believe it. I still re-read that e-mail, making sure I didn't dream the whole thing up. But so far so good, and I should have it in my kitchen shortly. Through a partnership between Mom Central and Frigidaire, I'm a Frigidaire Test Drive Mom. (See my pretty new badge on the sidebar?). Over the next few months I'll be telling you all about my fancy schmancy new dishwasher..and it is quite fancy schmancy. It's part of Frigidaire's Professional Line, and it's stainless steel ya'll. Hello modern kitchen appliances!

While I wait for my sweet new toy to be delivered, why don't you head on over to Spin & Win? Frigidaire and actress Jennifer Garner teamed up to launch this new product line and kick off the "Make Time For Change" campaign, which supports Save The Children. Log on to the Make Time For Change website every day and play Spin & Win. You can win some pretty fabulous prizes, including a Frigidaire Affinity washer and dryer! Plus, every day you play Spin & Win Frigidaire will donate $1.00 to Save The Children.

Stay tuned for more posts chronicling my Frigidaire Test Drive!

Keeping it real: I wrote this review while participating in a Test Drive Campaign by Mom Central on behalf of Frigidaire and received a Frigidaire Dishwasher to facilitate my review.