Abusive Marriages, Young and Old

When I investigated child abuse I worked with many families suffering with domestic violence. In the district where I worked, if the police were called out on a Domestic, and the people involved had children, it was an  automatic CPS report. Even if the children weren't home during the incident, it still got reported so we could "enlighten" the parents about what they were putting their children through by exposing them to a violent home environment.

Those were tough calls because victims of domestic violence are full of excuses. It's a vicious cycle of abuse, but the victim is always ready to cover up for the abuser and protect them. Most times the truth only came out after I interviewed the children, who in their innocence would relate every detail of what was really going on at home. It was heartbreaking.

Of all the cases I investigated, and all the families I interviewed, I was able to help one woman escape her violent home. She had suffered for years, and called the police after a particular altercation with her husband. In the course of defending herself from her husband's attack she left scratch marks on him. When police arrived, she had no marks (her bruises would show up a few days later), so she was arrested as the aggressor.

When I arrived at her home to interview her she was very confused and mad about the outcome of her cry for help. That's when I brought out the police report and showed it to her; her husband had lied to the officers about what happened, claiming he was the victim. He placed all blame on her and played the part of the innocent spouse. And the officers bought it.

What the police officers didn't know at the time of the arrest was the long history of reported violence in this family. I was able to obtain years worth of police reports from various states showing a pattern of violent behavior by the husband. The children also independently corroborated the wife's claims. And days later, when her bruises showed up, I made sure to photograph and document those for her.

Seeing her husband's words in black in white on that police report cracked something within her. That report was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, and she was ready to leave. One of the highlights of my career was when I visited her for the first time in her new home. The safe home she was building without her husband.

Recently I read the book I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced, and I couldn't help but think of all the women I worked with over the years who struggled to stay safe in violent homes. Nujood lives in Yemen, where it is far too common for men to take child brides. In rural Yemen, where Nujood lives, it's also far too common for women to be treated as men's property.

Nujood was married to a total stranger when she was ten years old. She describes traveling across the country in a caravan of other brides, heading far up in the desolate mountains of rural Yemen. She was abused in every manner imaginable, even having her husband repeatedly rape her on a nightly basis. Many little girls endure the same abuse, eventually becoming women and having little girls of their own. But not Nujood.

Through a series of events and very quick thinking on Nujood's part, she left her husband and traveled to a courthouse, where she petitioned for a divorce. Nujood was the first child bride to seek divorce in her country, and it was granted, setting a fabulous legal precedent in Yemen.

As I read about Nujood I pondered on what could possibly exist inside her that gave her such strength at the tender age of ten. Where did she find the courage to stand up for herself and save her life? I have seen grown women who didn't have half the strength and self-preservation of Nujood. I have seen women who have endured abuse for decades, silently suffering, too afraid to break free. Yet Nujood, just a child, fled an abusive marriage after a matter of months.

I wish all women had the strength and courage to flee abusive relationships.

I wish we all had a little of Nujood in us.

Keeping it real: I received the book "I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced" as a member of the SV Moms Book Club. Be sure to check out what other SV Moms had on their minds while reading about Nujood.

My Children's Earth

As I was rocking Savannah to sleep I had the TV on; my eyes glazed over and my mind elsewhere. I caught a quick mention of the oil spill in the Gulf; a few photos of oil droplets suspended in the ocean waves, sticky beach sand, and brown marshland.

What will this world look like when Savannah is my age? What are we leaving her?

It was a few weeks after the oil spill before I really knew what happened. Life around here can be a bit chaotic at times, and I'm not always on top of what's going on in the rest of the world. But one morning as I sipped my coffee I stumbled upon a slideshow of the spill and my heart sank. I just didn't realize. I heard this was as bad, if not worse than, the Exxon Valdez disaster. But I just didn't put two and two together.

I was disgusted by what I saw. I was mad. I was hurt and wanted answers. How could this have been allowed to happen? How much more of our Earth are we going to destroy before we wake up?!

My family tries to be eco-conscious, but that's not always easy in our part of the country. Our local grocery store carries one brand of organic milk, and that's all. I've never seen a single other organic item in there, but there's plenty of fat back and cubed alligator tail. Aisle upon aisle of processed food, and an always busy deli, serving fried chicken every day.

The grocery store I frequent is thirty minutes away, and they have a great selection of packaged organic/all natural items. But their organic fresh produce is always withered and spoiled. I have to drive over an hour away to a Whole Foods to find edible fresh organic produce. I doubt many in my community can afford to do that.

My town has no recycling services. Thankfully we have trash pick up (and I am very thankful for that, as my family in the NC mountains has no such luxury). Our garbage goes to a local landfill, and from there who knows? I'm sure it ends up on a barge in the middle of the ocean, leaking and oozing, scraps flying up in the air for sea birds to catch in their bills. I remember when I was much much younger hearing about sea birds and dolphins dying when plastic six-pack rings got wrapped around their mouths and necks. I've cut the rings ever since. Some things just stick with you.

When we moved here I called City Hall to find out where I could take our cardboard boxes to be recycled. They had no clue. We debated forever about whether burning them or trashing them was more environmentally friendly. In the end I can't remember what we did.....

We try. We try to do the best we can, even when it's not convenient.

Why don't big corporations do the same? They have far more resources at their disposal than I. They have more money, more manpower, more influence than I do. Why don't they try as hard as me? Do the executives at BP have children? Don't they worry about what they're doing to the Earth their children will inherit? Don't they want to take their kids to clean white sand beaches? Maybe they think they can just hop a jet and visit a pretty international beach. They can afford that, right? Who wouldn't want to jet off on a tropical vacation instead of visiting the beaches of Alabama? I get that. But don't they realize we only have one ocean? Sure, there are lots of smaller seas and inlets. But it's all one, really. Are the BP executives so naive to think the oil will remain in the Gulf of Mexico?

And speaking of Mexico. And the rest of the world. When will America realize that we aren't the only country on this Earth? Every bad environmental decision we make affects everyone on this planet. America isn't under a bubble. Our air, our oceans....we share them with the rest of the globe. Everyone pays the price for our transgressions.

I rock this baby girl to sleep and I tell her I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry that so many people don't care about our planet. I'm so sorry that so many people put profit above safety and responsibility and ethical decision making. I'm sorry that this world is being stripped of its beauty before she's even had a chance to explore it.

Savannah And The Tale Of a Pink Cupcake Tree

A little girl turned one the other day....

And she was quite excited about it.

While noshing on a yummy cupcake, she spied something to her left.

She saw a pretty pink cupcake tree.

And she was eager to get her hands on that pretty little tree.

Ooh! she got caught!

She had fun playing with her new toys.

But truth be told, her big brother may have had a little more fun than she!

Such a beautiful little silly little sweet little girl!

*I've had so many people ask me how I made the cupcake tree! I first saw the idea in a recent issue of Food Network magazine. We painted a flower pot and a foam ball pink, then stuck floral foam in the pot. Then we cut a dowel rod to the height we wanted, stuck it in the floral foam, and popped the foam ball on top. I baked mini cupcakes, using white liners. Then we used toothpicks to secure the cupcakes to the tree. The cupcakes were very wobbly and starting to slide off, so it may be better to try and superglue them and just not eat them. Also, I'd put a weight of some kind in the bottom of the flower pot next time because it easily tipped over.

Merry Go Round Of My Life

When we were thinking about adding a third baby to our brood, I spent a great deal of time figuring out what the perfect age difference would be. I weighed the benefits and struggles of having two kids really close together, and pondered how much of an age difference was too much. There's thirteen years between my first and second, and I knew I didn't want to wait that long again. Ahem. But I wasn't sure when we should seriously try for number three.

But then Miss Savannah came along anyway and blew my attempts at perfect planning all to hell.

Now I'm the frazzled mom to three of the toughest age ranges, and I have to tell you.....it's not for the weak and timid. I have a teenager and all the teen issues that come along with that. I have a precocious preschooler who never gives me a moment's rest when he's awake. And I have a baby-who-will-be-a-toddler-in-a-matter-of-days who is trying to walk and cut molars at the same time.

I am tired.

I have days that are so surreal. Days where they each struggle with the challenges of their respective ages. Days where they need me; my attention, my guidance, my patience. And then sometimes, when the moon is sitting just right in the sky and Venus is aligned in just the perfect manner.....they have those days on the same day. I vacillate between guiding my oldest through gnarly almost-grown-up decisions, helping my middlest sound out a word and write his letters, and helping my baby walk across the living room.

When those days come to a close and everyone is serenely tucked in their beds, I put my feet up and have a drink. Or some chocolate. Or a drink with some chocolate. Or a chocolate drink. You know, whatever works.

Last night, after a lengthy, heart wrenching talk with my teen she said, "Aren't you glad your other two are still babies?" I told her, "Sometimes. Until I realize I get to go through this stuff you're putting me through two more times".

And then I realize.....by the time my babies are my teen's age......I'll probably have grandbabies. Grandbabies and teens. At the same time.

Welcome to my Merry Go Round. The fun never stops!

Parenting in the Video Age

Technology has changed the face of parenting in innumerable ways since the birth of my first child back in 1993. Everything from the toys we give our kids to play with to the way we get our parenting information has become so modern and technologically advanced. Shoot, you were cool if you had a beeper back then, ya'll.

The advent of digital photography was one major advancement in technology that made parenting a little nicer. Sure, I have photos of my oldest kid. But back then you had to buy the film, make sure you had spare rolls sitting around, hope and pray you got good shots, and wait wait wait for the film to be developed. Then if there was red eye you were just out of luck. How things have changed!

Another major advancement in recent years is in how we capture video. We had video cameras back then, but wow.....they were a major pain in the rear, not to mention expensive! The video camera I borrowed for my daughter's first birthday was the huge box type that recorded on a full size VHS tape. A few years later my grandparents bought a video camera that recorded on those mini VHS tapes, and I managed to get a few more videos. But that's about it. I have approximately three days of my daughter's childhood recorded on video.

Huge bummer.

Now I have a handheld digital video recorder and a digital camera that can record video. I record my younger kids at least once a week, doing something silly or cute. At the end of the year I compile all the clips on to a DVD and give them as Christmas gifts to the extended family. And every year as I watch the yearly recap I wish I had videos like that of my oldest. I wish I had a way to glance back and watch the first time she flew a kite. I wish I could watch her organizing her Pokemon cards again, or blowing out the candles on her fifth birthday cake.

I'm thankful for the few videos I do have of her....but man, I sure do wish I had more.

Keeping it real: Canon has released the PowerShot SX210 IS, which combines the ability to take great photos & also shoot high definition video. Canon and JuiceBoxJungle sponsored me to write this post, and talk about what shooting video means to my family.

What's Going On Around Here 05/03/10

Over at Deep South Moms:
1.  How my husband's old hot rod became a ball and chain. (We finally sold it, HALLELUJAH!)
2.  Little girls are trading in their baby dolls for virtual ones. Is this a good thing?
3.  Every parent's nightmare; abusive babysitters

Over at I Like It A Latte:
1.  Libby's donated FIVE-MILLION pounds of food to Feeding America!
2.  Seventh Generation released a new line of disinfecting all-natural cleaning products
3.  The Everywear Carrier has a new design, and a contest this month!
4.  Looking for a good book? I enjoyed the latest in the Tea Shop Mysteries by Laura Childs
5.  Need a yummy treat for Mom? How about a gourmet apple from Mrs. Prindable's?
**Use code MOM52010 to receive $10 off an order of $30 or more. This code will be valid through Mother’s Day. Wednesday will be the last day to order for Mother’s Day with standard 2-Day Air shipping.


Updates on my Frigidaire Dishwasher:
1.  Adjustable racks and other great features!
2.  Energy efficiency and the Energy Star Award
3.  More Me-Time Guarantee