Abusive Marriages, Young and Old

When I investigated child abuse I worked with many families suffering with domestic violence. In the district where I worked, if the police were called out on a Domestic, and the people involved had children, it was an  automatic CPS report. Even if the children weren't home during the incident, it still got reported so we could "enlighten" the parents about what they were putting their children through by exposing them to a violent home environment.

Those were tough calls because victims of domestic violence are full of excuses. It's a vicious cycle of abuse, but the victim is always ready to cover up for the abuser and protect them. Most times the truth only came out after I interviewed the children, who in their innocence would relate every detail of what was really going on at home. It was heartbreaking.

Of all the cases I investigated, and all the families I interviewed, I was able to help one woman escape her violent home. She had suffered for years, and called the police after a particular altercation with her husband. In the course of defending herself from her husband's attack she left scratch marks on him. When police arrived, she had no marks (her bruises would show up a few days later), so she was arrested as the aggressor.

When I arrived at her home to interview her she was very confused and mad about the outcome of her cry for help. That's when I brought out the police report and showed it to her; her husband had lied to the officers about what happened, claiming he was the victim. He placed all blame on her and played the part of the innocent spouse. And the officers bought it.

What the police officers didn't know at the time of the arrest was the long history of reported violence in this family. I was able to obtain years worth of police reports from various states showing a pattern of violent behavior by the husband. The children also independently corroborated the wife's claims. And days later, when her bruises showed up, I made sure to photograph and document those for her.

Seeing her husband's words in black in white on that police report cracked something within her. That report was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, and she was ready to leave. One of the highlights of my career was when I visited her for the first time in her new home. The safe home she was building without her husband.

Recently I read the book I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced, and I couldn't help but think of all the women I worked with over the years who struggled to stay safe in violent homes. Nujood lives in Yemen, where it is far too common for men to take child brides. In rural Yemen, where Nujood lives, it's also far too common for women to be treated as men's property.

Nujood was married to a total stranger when she was ten years old. She describes traveling across the country in a caravan of other brides, heading far up in the desolate mountains of rural Yemen. She was abused in every manner imaginable, even having her husband repeatedly rape her on a nightly basis. Many little girls endure the same abuse, eventually becoming women and having little girls of their own. But not Nujood.

Through a series of events and very quick thinking on Nujood's part, she left her husband and traveled to a courthouse, where she petitioned for a divorce. Nujood was the first child bride to seek divorce in her country, and it was granted, setting a fabulous legal precedent in Yemen.

As I read about Nujood I pondered on what could possibly exist inside her that gave her such strength at the tender age of ten. Where did she find the courage to stand up for herself and save her life? I have seen grown women who didn't have half the strength and self-preservation of Nujood. I have seen women who have endured abuse for decades, silently suffering, too afraid to break free. Yet Nujood, just a child, fled an abusive marriage after a matter of months.

I wish all women had the strength and courage to flee abusive relationships.

I wish we all had a little of Nujood in us.

Keeping it real: I received the book "I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced" as a member of the SV Moms Book Club. Be sure to check out what other SV Moms had on their minds while reading about Nujood.