Secretly? Mommy Prefers The Toddler Over The Newborn

When I got pregnant with Aiden, I was terrified to tell my oldest child, Caitlyn. She and I don't have a traditional relationship since I had her so young. We're fiercely loyal to each other, and amazingly tight....but she doesn't live with me. My mother raised her, and that's brought along a whole bunch of other issues we've had to iron out along the way. I dreaded telling her I was pregnant because I was so afraid of how she would feel. I worried she'd feel like she was being replaced, or pushed aside. And she did. I was so afraid she'd think I was going to forget about her...and she did. Everything I feared came true. But since she was thirteen when I got pregnant with Aiden, we were able to talk through all her fears and emotions together. By the time Aiden was born she was the most excited big sister in the world, and those two have had a bond like no other ever since.

This time was different. When I told Caitlyn I was pregnant again she was immediately excited. But this time I had Aiden to worry about. He wasn't thirteen, he was two. I couldn't talk him through his emotions, because he didn't even have a clue what was going on! We did the best we could to prepare him. As my belly grew we introduced the concept of babies, and named the baby in my belly. He sweetly kissed my belly when asked where Savannah was. We read him books about big brothers, and talked about Baby Savannah as often as we could. Did any of that help? Not really.

I watched Aiden grow up in warp speed while I was in the hospital. Each day he visited me he seemed to grow a little taller, act a little older, learn a new word or twelve. The baby boy I left at home had morphed into a big boy, seemingly in the blink of an eye. He shied away from me, which I expected. I know he wondered why I didn't come home at night with him and his daddy. I know he wondered why I was moving so slowly, and sitting in a big bed in a strange room. I'm sure he was quite confused, and lacked the vocabulary to put his confusion into thoughts and words.

We've now got two weeks under our belts. Aiden still isn't so sure of Savannah; he acknowledges her every once in awhile, but he really doesn't seem too impressed. And he's just now warming back up to me. Long gone are our daylong snuggle fests. Long gone is the boy who crawled in my lap to read him a book. I get no more kisses and hugs for no reason. And I choke back the tears each day. I miss my baby boy.

It's so hard to watch his adjustment at this stage. I want to grab him up and run off, just the two of us. I want to reverse time and have it be just he and I again, if only for a day. I look at Savannah and wonder if I'll ever feel for her how I feel for my little man. After all, she is the reason he's struggling right now. Rational thoughts fight their way back in and I remind myself this will all take time, naturally. In a matter of months we'll be a happy, functioning family unit with a new, improved "normal" way of life. I know that our adjustment is impeded by my recovery, which is very slow going. Once I can safely pick up Aiden again and snuggle him...once I can return to the family bed again....once I can drive and take him out, just the two of us.....I know we'll get back on track. And when his sleep isn't disturbed by the horrendous lack of routine and order in the household I know he'll feel better. It's just getting there...mucking our way to that point in time. That's the hard part.