Mom, Break That Mold!

Moms can be so critical. It's long been established that woman are far harder on other women...the cattiness factor if you will. But this seems to be especially prevalent in the mom community. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, mom cliques exist, and each clique has a certain set of standards they assume their members abide by. When a mom steps outside the boundaries of those assumed standards, she can be bombarded with all manner of hostility, criticism, and judgement.

I've mentioned before that I find myself stuck between two mom worlds. I'm too "crunchy" for most mainstream moms....yet I'm too mainstream for most "crunchy" moms. I'm in the middle, sticking my toes into both ends of the pool.....and I feel the effects of this almost daily. When I start talking about natural/organic/eco blah blah blah, the mainstream moms shy away. They're content to go with the status quo, and have faith that our government regulates everything and there's no need to worry about what we expose our families to. So I usually seek my crunchy friends when I'm interested in discussing these things.....but then when I start talking about bottles and formula feeding, the crunchy moms are aghast, shocked, disgusted. Formula feeding isn't acceptable to them, so I head back to my mainstream friends who are more tolerant of formula feeding.

And you know what? It's just ridiculous.

Each of us does what we feel is best for our family. I seriously doubt that many moms (and I know some do because boy howdy did I meet them when I investigated child abuse)...but most moms don't actively seek out ways to bring danger into their children's lives. We do what we think is right, and within our means. So why do other moms feel the need to get so nasty? Or to even get involved in the first place?

I understand tactful education. There are some issues I feel VERY passionate about...cosleeping, circumcision, crying it out. When the opportunity arises for me to discuss these issues with another mama, I do my best to offer her all the info I can and answer any questions...I try to educate her, so she can make the most well-informed decision she can. But then I leave it alone. I don't harass her. I don't judge her if her ultimate choice goes against my beliefs. I don't make comments designed to impose guilt and shame onto her. There's no point in that! She did what she thought was best for HER family. Why is that MY business?

I think it's great that moms get so passionate about certain issues. That passion is what has driven change in the norms of motherhood.....but that passion needs to be held in check, lest it become self-righteous and hurtful. Take the issue of breastfeeding, for instance. Many moms are super passionate about this issue. And I think that's fabulous. Breastfeeding moms in the past didn't have near the support they do today, and I think that's wonderful. But at some point the passion and support cross the line into judgement and condemnation for moms who don't breastfeed. Many many moms out there can't breastfeed, even though they want to. They turn to formula to feed their babies out of a need........why make them feel bad about that? Why heap burning coals on their heads? What does that do except inflict hurt and pain?

Regardless of a mom's reasons, she has made the best choice for her family...whether we agree or not. We should support her in her decision and accept her choices, just as we hope she accepts ours. None of us need to conform to a mold that another has cast us into. If you breastfeed, but follow the cry-it out method....or if you formula feed and co-sleep.......if you homeschool and feed your kid pop tarts every morning....or if you send your kids to public school and feed them only all natural/organic foods..........regardless...we're all moms. There's no need for judgement...only acceptance and support. This mom gig is tough enough on its own.